To long. To yearn. To desire. And to not have access. That is what it means to ache.

I think it’s a common male experience for the ache to manifest in the body as intense desire, arousal, or even lust. And for many guys, especially when younger, this bodily reaction becomes the whole story. It feels like an intense state of craving and urgency, like a need that must be fulfilled and relieved. Which makes it a problem that must be addressed, and that opens a whole can of worms.

But there is so much more in aching than just torment and release. Inside aching is beauty, inspiration, passion, creativity, and intense eroticism. And the ability to sit with the ache—to be in awe of it—becomes a testament to a man’s stillness and self-discipline.

For a submissive gentleman, that ache, that desire, that yearning becomes an embodied awareness of his submission. It becomes the tension between his desire and Her sovereignty—the alignment of his longing to Her rhythm. And it’s a force that quiets his ego, purifies his service, and refines his love.

The Problem With Making The Ache a Problem

Aching is uncomfortable; it is, in many ways, a seemingly unbearable discomfort. And for a lot of guys, that type of discomfort is something that must be overcome, released, avoided, resolved, or numbed. But the more that this kind of ache becomes something that needs to be “fixed,” the more noticeable it makes itself. It grows and grows and grows and grows, and begins to take up space in a relationship. And suddenly, this discomfort becomes the central focus. It becomes consuming; it becomes a “need.”

And once it’s framed as a need, the resolution becomes an expectation or even a demand. In many ways a man may put pressure on his partner—intentionally or unintentionally—to relieve his internal emotional discomfort. When it can’t be, for whatever reason, she becomes more of an obstacle to overcome than a partner to grow with. She is seen as withholding a “need,” which then develops a sense of entitlement for access to her. All of a sudden, there are feelings of resentment, forming an internal victim narrative.

An internal victim narrative poisons the relationship because it shifts the energy behind every action from loving to transactional. Every act of kindness now comes with an underlying request: “I do this, so you owe me that.” “I met your needs, so now you must meet mine.” “You won’t meet my need, so I will withdraw my ‘love.’” This inner narrative erodes relationships. It deteriorates trust and compassion slowly, and almost unconsciously.

And when a submissive gentleman is unable to hold and own his aching, his “acts of service” become subtle, even if unconscious, forms of manipulation. If She feels that She has to manage his arousal, reward his service, or keep him satisfied, then that centers the relationship around his ego. That isn’t submission. That isn’t love. And that isn’t devotion.

The Ache is Innate

Basically, aching is a combination of emotions coupled with a sense of urgency within the body. Emotionally mature adults don’t place expectations on their partners to relieve them of their emotions. Support and console, yes, but not fix them. A man placing this type of burden on his partner is just codependency masquerading as masculine nature.

Learning to re-frame the ache as something to honor rather than a problem to solve is a huge leap for many men, let alone a submissive gentleman. Most of us typically were taught, or gravitate toward, repressing emotions—pushing through them—rather than exploring them.

Combine this with the powerful bodily reactions to aching: a longing for touch and attention, a physical feeling of urgency, an intense sexual frustration that demands release—and it’s no wonder why this kind of ache creates so much restlessness. And without a degree of emotional maturity, it becomes a hunger that must be satiated. We fidget, grow irritable, act out, withdraw, find distractions, anything to quell the craving.

But if we look closely at the inner emotions: desire, neediness, a lack of control, loneliness, anxiety, denial, rejection—we can discover some of the things that the ache is truly yearning for: closeness, connection, validation, acknowledgement. From here, it’s not a giant step to understand that aching is an innate part of us that makes us human.

In many ways, the ache is like a confrontation with the ego. It’s able to reveal what we have little control over, which is why it urges us exert control to relieve it. And yet, it isn’t something that we should resolve, numb, or escape from, but a feeling that we should explore, embrace, revere, and let move through us. From it, we can learn so much more about ourselves.

Aching is a Practice

The ache cannot be “resolved” because it just returns over and over and over again. Soothing it will only satiate the hunger temporarily. Which means that if a man’s finding careless ways to soothe it (acting out, guilt-tripping, excessive porn use, etc.), he’ll eventually create a destructive cycle within the relationship. And potentially escalate upon each iteration.

The ache shouldn’t be viewed as something that needs to be “fixed,” but as something that should be contained and honored. That doesn’t mean repressing the ache. Containment is the ability to sit in the restlessness and breathe through it, not yielding to impulse or reaching for control. That necessitates self-discipline. And self-discipline in the midst of this type of discomfort is what burns away the ego. Stillness through the ache is a practice.

For the submissive gentleman, learning to be still through his ache is an absolutely necessary skill because his aching is the essence of his submission. Only with stillness through his aching may his desire for his partner be transformed into an authentic devotion to Her. Only with the dissolution of the ego may he discover the clarity to see a woman in Her truth rather than see Her through his illusions and fantasies.

The ache is humbling. The longing is beautiful. The yearning is romantic. And through it we discover our humanity, see our partners with more clarity, free ourselves from our reactions, and learn how to truly love.

Feel free to share thoughts and insights from your own journey. :3