• Summertime Grind
• Good Times and Naive Optimism
• When Things Began to Fall
• Work Shake-Up
• Rough College Schedule
• Exhausted
• Co-Workers
• Depression Creeps In
• Seizure Ramp Up
• Diagnosed Epileptic
• Academic Downfall
• Heartbreak
• Desperation Takes Hold
• Fear on the Horizon

In June 2013, I graduated from Carlisle Area High School. The future was looked cloudy but bright light still seemed to break through. That would not last.

My brother Michael (LEFT) and I (RIGHT) after I recieved a High School Diploma.

§Summertime Grind

Right after high school, I kept working for OMEX, a cleaning contractor. I cleaned offices and was scrubbing toilets at a factory warehouse that made Entenmann’s donuts. It was just a five-minute drive from home.

§Good Times and Naive Optimism

The summer was good, though. It was full of good times with my friends and girlfriend Taylor. I still held my head high looking into the future.

§When Things Began to Fall

Come Fall 2013, I signed up at Harrisburg Area Community College (HACC). I continued to live at home with my folks while Taylor went to Penn State Harrisburg. She lived off-campus and picked up a gig at Bob Evans nearby. Most of my friends split town, but I figured Taylor being close by would make it okay. At least, that’s what I thought at the time.

PHOTO CREDIT: Jeremy Long Harrisburg Area Community College (HACC) located in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

§Work Shake-Up

Just as school started, I got hit with a curveball. I was informed that I would no longer be assigned at Entenmann’s factory. I would now be working at a large warehouse that was about 25 minutes away from home. My working hours would stay at 06:00pm to 10:00pm.

§Rough College Schedule

My college schedule was a mess. I probably could have done a better job of planning, but I hadn’t given this much of my attention. The drive to HACC often took about 30 to 40 minutes. My earliest class was at 08:00am. Lucky this was only the case on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My last class was around 04:00pm lasting until 05:00pm. Then I would drive 10 to 15 minutes to get my job. By the time I got home after work it would be 10:30pm. The family was already asleep.

§Exhausted

It wore me down. Life lost its luster. I hardly Taylor as much as I wanted. I think we tried, but I believe she was starting to get worn down by her new life as well. She was living alone now. I at least had my brother to spend time with regularly. As well as my parents. However, it was still a life I was not used to, and I didn’t care much for it.

§Co-Workers

I met new people through work. I’ll never forget Jim Kilgore. He was an older man who did this job for extra money. He was always nice to me. That was relationship I will always be grateful for. There was also a large mean woman whose name I cannot remember. I do not know if she was our manager or just acted like she was. Jim despised her and, I never liked her much myself. I bring this because I looking back I recognize Jim as a friend. I did not many to spend time with, but I got time with Jim five days a week.

Jim Kilgore knew how to make me laugh. When life gets tough sometimes that’s all you need.

§Depression Creeps In

I became slightly depressed about my situation. I was stressed about the life I was living. Was this life? I felt trapped in a cage that was a routine that prevented me from ever truly being my self. Just a cattle being raised for a slaughterhouse we all one day call “Retirement”. Then I had a grand-mal seizure at the HACC Campus. An ambulance was called, and I was brought to the hospital in Harrisburg. When I came to I think my first thought was a sense of worry that I would be missing work. I felt an urgency to notify my employer that I would not be coming in. Not sure why.

§Seizure Ramp Up

I began to experience more seizures after this. Slowly over time the seizures I experienced occurred more frequently, in various forms, and at an increasing intensity. I was finally starting to become scared.

§Diagnosed Epileptic

I began to see a neurologist regularly to try and understand the seizures I was having. Tests would show no results to help inform those who I believed knew more about my situation than I did. I would soon be diagnosed with the neurological disorder known as epilepsy. I had heard the word before. Probably in a health class years before. From now on the word would never leave me alone.

§Academic Downfall

Life rolled into the Spring semester. I had a new schedule now that packed all my classes together. No more school on Tuesday and Thursday. However, any interest in school was fading. I stopped doing assignments and did not keep up with the reading material for the courses I was taking. I was miserable and let myself become lazy.

§Heartbreak

Sometime in February or March 2014 I went to see Taylor at her apartment. I was looking forward to spending time with her. She made me feel life was good even if it was not. However, I did not end up staying as long as I thought I would. We talked about some things. Then she broke up with me. I felt shattered. I drove home, and went to my room to be alone.

§Desperation Takes Hold

I continued to try to spend time with Taylor even after breaking up. I wanted to undo the whole mess. This only created another layer of stress for me to worry about. Life was getting more difficult. My health got worse. The seizures did not stop. I could not seem to make them stop. I began to feel fear like I had never felt before. I gave up on school. Skipped days. A few a first, but soon a lot. I always made it to work though. I forced myself to be a working person.

§Fear on the Horizon

The Spring semester would end. I failed my courses and was put on academic suspension. I was not sure of what would come next or what I would do. I still had no plan. I had no ideas.

All I knew was Fear.

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