When You Wish for More but You Get Nothing at All…

Do you sometimes wish that the care you give for someone is reciprocated?

It’s not necessarily a selfish want of “I want to be repaid.” Rather, it’s totally human.

There are terms for it in psychology, such as the norm of reciprocity and equity theory.

The norm of reciprocity is basically just “I did X, so I expect them to to do Y.” A textbook example would be a daughter that shows so much affection and care for her mother but never gets any of that love back; it leads to toxicity and a desire to just give up.

On the other hand, equity theory came from John Stacey Adams, a social psychologist. Essentially, we feel most comfortable in a relationship when the amount of care we give is close to the amount of care we get. To give an arbitrary example, let’s say I gave someone 100 care bucks, and they only gave me 10 care bucks, my brain perceives that as unfair, and so I start to feel uncomfortable with that relationship. Consequently, you get emotionally exhausted and think “Why am I the only one trying?” “Why don’t I ever get anything back?” In some cases, the caring one doubts themselves: “Maybe I don’t deserve anything back…” “Maybe I’m not good enough…”

It’s not evil that I feel this way; I don’t control that I do. It also doesn’t help to simply suppress such feelings, but it also doesn’t help to give 123 and get… 0. It doesn’t help to give ABC and get … back. It doesn’t help to give someone your world and get back… nothing. It almost feels like I’m being exploited, used for their personal gain. Or maybe… maybe, they are simply socially illiterate; perhaps so full of themselves or perhaps they don’t know how to give back, so they don’t give anything at all.

It’s a nuisance when it’s a couple of your relationships that are this way, but it’s horrible, torturous, a little disgusting, and unfathomably soul draining when it’s… well… everybody.

In the end, maybe it’s unfair to blame them. I value them too much, but perhaps they don’t value me just as much. That’s fine. That’s just life. I see them as human; they see me as “Oh yeah, that guy.” God did say:

وَأُحْضِرَتِ ٱلْأَنفُسُ ٱلشُّحَّ ۚ …And present in mankind is selfishness… (4:128)

It seems there’s no solution, no matter how much I try. I give too much and get nothing back. It’s like buying something at the store, but you only give the cash and leave empty-handed. In this case, the store owner would be arrested, but what about those who rob you off your kindness? Is that not more valuable the material?

Or maybe… maybe… there’s a solution.

I should stop caring.