In a midnight press briefing in Washington D.C., President Donald Trump admitted that the U.S. military intervention in Venezuela and the arrest of President Maduro had “little to do with drug trafficking, democracy or human rights.” The real reason, he said, was to stop an alleged Venezuelan-Russian program developing neuro-active cocoa capable of “reprogramming American emotions.”

“These people weren’t making chocolate bars,” said Trump, holding up a confiscated cocoa pod for the cameras. “They were making thought bars. Bars that think for you.”

According to a recently declassified CIA report, Venezuelan scientists—assisted by the Russian agricultural complex BioShokolad LLC—had been genetically engineering cacao plants to produce the compound the agency dubbed Theobrainine. When consumed, Theobrainine allegedly triggers “uncontrolled empathy, appetite for socialism, and a dangerous interest in sustainable agriculture.” “After just one hot cocoa, subjects began talking about universal income, recycling, and quitting their jobs,” explained Pentagon neurointelligence chief Dr. Carol Beans. “We had to act before Starbucks unknowingly launched a socialist revolution.”

Eyewitnesses from the Caracas suburbs describe a network of secret laboratories operating under the names “Sweet Liberty Cooperative” and “Cacao For Peace Foundation.” One U.S. Marine, speaking anonymously, said he discovered vats of molten chocolate “humming softly in Spanish.”

“Our sensors recorded high levels of serotonin and Marxist energy,” the Marine said. “When the wind blew, we literally smelled equality.”

To make matters worse, intel suggests Maduro’s government had plans to distribute the neuro-cocoa through global chocolate supply chains, using hipster chocolatiers as “unwitting cultural mules.” “Every Valentine’s Day would have been a socialist coup,” warned National Security Advisor Marco Rubio.

In response, the FDA has introduced strict import controls on “suspect cocoa derivatives.” Any product that increases happiness for more than 30 minutes is now classified as a psycho-political confection and subject to federal review.

To counter the threat, President Trump ordered the bombing of cocoa laboratories and the kidnapping of Maduro. This would allow the administration to negotiate his release in exchange for stocks of Venezuelan chocolate.

Finally, Trump announced the release of Freedom Cocoa™ a new patriotic beverage guaranteed to restore critical thinking and your Second Amendment rights. It comes in three varieties: Dark Roast Liberty, White Chocolate Justice, and MAGA Mocha.

Critics, however, claim the product tastes suspiciously like instant coffee. “That’s because freedom has a bitter aftertaste,” snapped Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. When asked if the U.S. plans any further interventions, Trump shrugged. “As long as there’s chocolate out there that makes people think too much, we’ll be watching.”

At press time, several senators were reportedly questioning why the Pentagon budget now includes an $2000 million line item labeled “Anti-Cocoa Operations.”

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