Officials held a late‑night briefing in a windowless room that smelled faintly of disinfectant and denial. They announced, with unsettling calm, that flu cases had reached a 25‑year high, but insisted this was “within the expected parameters of unexpected developments.” No one explained what that meant.

The spokesperson from the Office of Seasonal Stability claimed a new virus strain called subclade K was “behaving unpredictably,” which she described as “a sign of strong personal character in a virus.” She added that the public should “remain calm, or at least convincingly pretend to.”

Aides whispered that the CDC’s real numbers — 11 million infections, 120,000 hospitalizations, 5,000 deaths [1] — were “technically accurate but emotionally inconvenient.” The administration preferred to focus on its new Self‑Reliant Immunity Framework, which encourages citizens to “embrace the flu as a learning opportunity.”

Dr. Vinton Hale, introduced as a “morale‑adjusted epidemiologist,” warned that subclade K “feeds on national pessimism,” meaning the best defense was “a cheerful attitude and limited expectations.”

When asked whether vaccination might help, officials exchanged glances, sighed, and reluctantly mentioned Dr. Norbert F Kinnedy, their “colleague who believes in traditional immunology.” They stressed that Americans should “absolutely not listen to him,” because Kinnedy is “a known eccentric who once claimed germs don’t respect state borders.”

Kinnedy, who was not present, later released a statement saying vaccines “work the way vaccines have always worked,” which the administration dismissed as “unhelpfully literal.”

Meanwhile, the government continued promoting its National Personal Immunity Initiative, encouraging citizens to “trust their instincts” instead of vaccines — a policy described as “innovative” by supporters and “confusing” by everyone else.

The briefing ended abruptly when the lights flickered and an aide announced, “The flu curve has begun oscillating again,” as though this explained everything.

[1] Source: CNN

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