Community, Part 3: Doing Something About It

One note before we begin: this is the last post in the Community series, and I’d love to know your thoughts. Did this resonate with you? Did you learn something new? Did it not meet your expectations? Please shoot me a message with your thoughts! Also, take a moment to answer the poll below regarding the series format. As always, thank you for being here! • • If you’re honest with yourself, what is your current state of community? Most of us are probably pretty dissatisfied. We may have ways of numbing that dissatisfaction, of filling our time instead, but if we take stock of where we’re really at, we’re probably among the many people today who feel disconnected and lacking close friends. The good news? We can do something about it. The bad news? That requires, well, actually DOING something. Actively reaching out, giving back, organizing something worthwhile, rather than passively observing someone else’s life on a screen, pretending we feel connected to them. Yet, I’ve seen enough of my generation’s self-awareness to know we want something more, and I have to believe we’re willing to do something about it. I don’t have anything profound or earth-shattering to say here, other than to share some of the ways I’ve seen friends and family step up and build community. But, like most things in life, it’s not the big fancy fixes that make a difference, but the small, mundane things, done well and consistently. Sometimes we want to do something, but don’t know where to start; my goal here is to give you ideas, many of them small and doable on your own or with one or two other people, to start turning things around. A place to start for those lacking community: • SURPRISE! Set boundaries for your screen time/phone usage. A few tips I’ve found helpful:

• It’s hard to improve if you don’t know where you’re at. Even if it hurts, look at your screen time analytics. Are there apps you’re spending time on that you really don’t feel good about? Is your total screen time a problem? Focus on one or two specific areas, don’t try to just “use your phone less.” For me, this was taking social media apps off my phone entirely for several months, enough to break the habit of scrolling, and after adding them back, only using them for specific purposes (group chats only on those apps, looking for events, etc). If I ever started to fall back into scrolling habits, I’d take the app off again for awhile.

• Designate a few hours a day/week to put your phone away in a drawer or corner and not use it at all. Or (this one can genuinely feel scary but it’s worth it), leave your phone in the car while you’re at an event. I’ve still got a long ways to go with these, but the times I’ve tried these practices, it’s been eye-opening to see how often I think about my phone even when I don’t have a real reason to use it.

• When in public spaces, don’t immediately seek to distract yourself. Don’t be weird and stare at people, but it’s okay to just stand in line without looking down at your phone or go on a walk without listening to a podcast. Look around you, notice the people, the trees, where your thoughts wander. I think some of our lack of connection stems from our failure to even notice the people around us in our day to day lives. You might not make a new best friend at the grocery store, but you might make someone’s day better because you smiled at them, and that might give you more confidence to smile at someone at the gym later, and that’s a lot more likely to give you a new best friend.

• On that note, if you see people regularly at the same place (gym, church, etc), try waving or even starting a conversation. You might think it’s awkward, but who knows? They might be wanting to talk to you, but they’re waiting on you to say something, first. No joke, my husband and I found our new best friends at the gym (hey Jordan and Kasey!) because we had noticed each other at the gym (when you’re a young couple who moved to a new town you’re desperate to find another young couple who have similar hobbies), but didn’t start a conversation until we saw each other at our favorite local bar and grill and Kasey waved at us. That was all the permission we needed to start a conversation the next time we saw them at the gym, and the rest is history. If Kasey hadn’t been paying attention, who knows how long it would have been before we would have struck up a conversation.

• Invite people over for brunch or dinner and do something other than stare at your phones or the TV. You don’t have to be a great cook—take turns bringing a Casey’s pizza and most people in the Midwest at least are going to be thrilled—or have a big house. One of the things I love about visiting my friends in Washington, D.C. is how most young people out there live in some of the smallest apartments or townhomes, yet they’ll happily have 20-30 people over for dessert and a game night and somehow everyone fits and everyone enjoys their time.

• Find an organized group or cause where you can volunteer your time. Few things bring a more fulfilling sense of community than contributing to something bigger than yourself, and often you’ll make friends along the way. You don’t need to have a meeting every night of the week; overwhelming yourself isn’t the path. Focus on one or two things that fit your values and interests, and if you still want more, build from there.

A few encouragements for those who already have strong community: • Are you already killing it in the community department? Good for you! Do you know someone who could use some help? Try inviting them into what you’ve already got going on. Introduce different friend groups to each other—especially if you have a friend who is the type of person who can start a conversation with anyone (Gwen and Emma, looking at y’all), make sure that person is there as a bridge between the two groups, and who knows who might connect with each other as a result?

• Are you connecting with more than just your peers? I think all generations have a tendency to spend most of their social time with people their age, but we have so much to learn from those both older and younger than we are. Having siblings significantly older than me has helped give me some of those relationships organically, but again, places like church or the gym or a community organization can be fruitful places to build relationships with those at a different season of life.

Final notes for those in who lead a group or community organization: • As we discussed last time, if you have regular meetings, take an honest look at those meetings. Do they have purpose? Is something being accomplished each time? Are new members welcomed, or do they feel lost and like they don’t belong or have a place to contribute? Does someone other than you have ownership of some aspect of the group, to give them a reason to keep showing up and working towards the good of the group? Our local Farm Bureau Young Leader Committee Chair does a great job of this, splitting the group into subcommittees where members have autonomy over certain aspects of programming. It’s given new life to an organization that, in many parts of the state and country, is dwindling.

• Take stock of your succession plan for leadership. Are you training—and giving opportunities for them to learn—those who show potential to step up and take your place? Are you open to stepping down when someone shows they are ready to move up?

• At the end of the day, if you look at your organization and wonder why it isn’t growing, don’t immediately assume it’s because young people don’t want to do anything. That could be the case in your area, but more than likely, your organization is either 1) not serving as strong or relevant of a purpose as it used to, or 2) you aren’t actively recruiting and giving young people a reason to see themselves as an integral part of the work you’re doing. If you can reverse those two things, I have a feeling you’ll see some pretty neat things start to happen.

I have so much learning and so much work to do yet, but the glimpses I’m seeing of what we’re starting to build in our community make me so excited to keep building. None of these things on their own will change the world, but doing a few of these might change your life, and the life of at least one other person around you, and isn’t that about the most meaningful thing any of us can do, anyway? As always, I hope you’ll join me. We need everyone we can get. Working on building community with someone? Send them this post for some encouragement and ideas for how to keep building: Share One Thing Differently:What’s one way you’ll approach community differently in the coming weeks? Who is one person who can help you do that? Leave a comment