If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

• • You’re happily working away at your computer, when an email pops up from that one person at work who you just can’t stand. You skim it, see the usual pet peeves which accompany said person’s emails, and immediately look for an opportunity to call your work buddy to complain about it. Can you believe they said this? It’s just like so-and-so to say that. It’s like they don’t even care about what we’re doing in our department. It’s so easy; it’s instinctual. We see something we don’t like, especially if it’s something we expect to see from someone we don’t like, and we just can’t help but spread the chatter. Yet, I bet if you really looked at yourself, you would agree: you’re not proud of yourself for this behavior. If we’re honest with ourselves, none of us want to be known as an expert complainer with a side of gossip, do we? Why do we gravitate to this type of behavior, then? I think it comes down to this: we’re social people, and we experience (temporary) positive feelings when we vent about someone we don’t like, to someone we do, who we know feels the same about the person we don’t. The problem with this? It’s an unfulfilling feedback loop: we complain and feel good while we complain, but our complaining did nothing about the actual problem; the next time that person does something that rubs us the wrong way, we’re right back where we started, and the only thing we know how to do is complain about it. We waste our time, our work buddy’s time, and likely exacerbate our initial feelings of dislike for the other person. No matter how justified our feelings may be—your dislikeable coworker may very well be just as out of touch and insensitive as you feel they are—they are no excuse for our own noxious behavior. You might counter. “Am I never supposed to speak up about problems at work (or in school, or with friends, etc.)? Am I just supposed to shut up and sit down?” To that, I say an emphatic “no”: when you have real concerns, or there is truly something which needs to be addressed for the good of others and the cause, you should absolutely speak up. However, I think the way we do it matters, and the vast majority of the things we complain about are not those real concerns. Here are some steps I’m learning we can take to get out of the negative feedback loop. (I’ve been painfully aware lately of how I fail to implement these steps; it is so second-nature to call a buddy and complain. I’m working on it with ya, my friend.)

• Have I gone to this person directly with feedback on this pain point?

• If yes, did they promise to change? Is it time for a friendly reminder, or should I give them grace since they’re working on it?

• If no, is it worth giving them feedback? If not, it’s time for me to shut up about it.

• If you’re deciding on giving feedback or not, you could ask yourself something like “is this just a pet peeve of mine or is it a real issue that’s negatively impacting multiple people?” or “Is this something a person can change about themselves or is it a core piece of who they are and it’s just not my preference?”

• Have I vented about this person to my buddy before?

• If yes, I really probably don’t need to do it again.

• If no, I really don’t need to start now, and I should shut up about it.

• Is venting about this person going to change anything?

• If yes, how? Will venting help me take action, either by giving feedback to the person in question or learning to handle my reactions more effectively?

• If no, I should shut up about it.

Know someone who complains a lot? Good thing you can share this post with them! Just kidding. Or maybe I’m not? Share Our culture makes it so easy to share our opinions, not just with each other in our small circles, but also with the world on the internet, if we want to. We are told sharing our opinions is taking action… but is it, really? Or is it just an easy, quick release of our negative emotion that makes us feel like we did something without having to materially do anything at all? I’m taking baby steps here, and I topple over in those steps more than I’d like to admit. But, this week, when the email comes through that tempts me to call a buddy and complain, I’m going to try dropping it in its appropriate folder and moving on, instead. Wish me luck, and maybe join me? If there’s one thing I’ll be known for at work, I’d like for it not to be the one gal who always had something negative to say. Journal Prompt of the WeekWhere do you struggle most with unnecessary negativity? What’s your equivalent of archiving the email and moving on? Leave a comment