I am the expert in friend-making, not because I’m so good at it, but because I’m so bad at it. You know when you were in third grade and your mom told you that you had to invite your entire class to your birthday party, even that one weird kid who you begged her not to invite? Yeah, that kid was me.

I don’t need to get into the details since I’ve covered it so many times before, but socialization doesn’t come naturally to me even though I’m an extrovert. So many times, I’ve had what I believed to be a great conversation at a gathering, but it was actually me doing extended standup comedy at an unsuspecting woman who was trying to find every excuse to leave (“I’m going to go mingle now,” is accurate, not-mean, and yet sends a very clear message that this conversation is over. Respect to all the women who have used that on me.) I am fully aware of my social deficits: I talk too much, I talk too much about myself, I spill my weirdest OCD intrusive thoughts to people who don’t give a shit, I keep transitioning in and out of a listless Trump impression…whatever. (When I said I was “so tremendously talented and yet treated unfairly by the losers and haters” I was doing a bit, dammit!) Anyway, I’m at the point where I’ve mostly been able to keep these tendencies at bay, and the degree of self-control required to do that is why I no longer drink.

But while I figured out how to present a better version of myself, I still struggled with the logistics of making friends. Last year, I was at the point where I was confident I was (mostly) not behaving in a friend-repellant manner, but I still had fewer friends and social engagements than I wanted. I speculated that this was largely a strategic issue, not related to my conversational handicaps.

At this point in my life (married, with kids) I am really looking for one specific type of friend: fellow moms, although I’m also open to childfree women too. Why only women? Because I am abiding by my own, self-imposed version of Sharia law. I do not make friends with random straight men, even if it’s completely innocent. If my kid makes a friend, and that kid’s dad seems cool, I give him my husband’s phone number (although realistically speaking, this is all hypothetical- a random dad has never asked for my phone number!)

Would I befriend a gay dad? Yes, but I almost never meet them. In fact, I have met exactly one gay dad, and that just so happened to be the first time that I chose not to do the good libbed-out thing and say “your spouse.” Instead, like some kind of NAZI, I said “What does your wife do?” (Hey, at least I assumed the imaginary wife worked.) Why did I choose him, of all people, to impose my heteronormative agenda, when in hindsight there were some fairly obvious signs he was not straight? I have no idea. But either way, he wasn’t exactly begging to be my friend, so right now the whole “gay dad friend” thing is also a hypothetical.

Anyway, my big social resolution for 2025 was to see friends in person at least once a month, which I managed to achieve. But once a month was a pretty low bar, and even if I exceeded it, I noticed a huge discrepancy between the amount of social invitations I was sending out, the amount I was receiving (almost none) and the amount of times that people canceled on me for some seemingly-real reason, but then never rescheduled (almost every fucking time.) It didn’t make me feel good, but I had a feeling there was more to it than “nobody likes me.”

(Alternatively, it’s always possible that nobody likes me!)

But from 2025 to 2026, I’ve made some pretty good strides in mom-friend territory, and I now see friends far more often than once a month. I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with this, so I’m sharing my secrets with you all. Everywhere I look in Mom Discourse World, there are women saying they never see friends, or don’t have any friends, or wish they had more friends. A big part of me is like, do other moms really feel this way? Because the ones I meet sure as hell aren’t acting like it! but I assume they’re out there. And this year, I did a better job at finding (and keeping) them. Here’s how!

The single most important tip to making mom-friends is repetition. You are unlikely to make a mom friend just because you had a good one-off conversation, especially if you don’t know anyone in common. I made the mistake of meeting moms at museums, distant playgrounds, or other locations where I did not frequently go, getting their number, and then trying to text them later. Or more realistically, planning to text but then never doing it. Even when I did make the effort, ultimately, neither of us was that invested in manifesting a friendship from nothing. The key is to be part of the same thing, at the same time, over and over again. This way, a friendship can develop gradually and naturally. You should ideally be hanging out in an unplanned, organic way at least four times before you exchange numbers. It’s not that it’s creepy to ask for someone’s number right away, but both of you are more invested when you’ve built up a friendship.

For some moms, this could be going to a particular playground at the same time every day (however, my experience has been that during the day, most playgrounds are frequented by nannies, not moms, and in cases where the race and age matches up, I have never once correctly guessed if someone was the mom or nanny.) Going to the same playground every day after the workday could be a good idea. Another option for SAHMs would be to sign up for some kind of child-centric class where parents are included. A mom friend of mine successfully built her entire social coalition from some baby yoga classes she attended in her child’s infancy.

Disclaimer: I attempted to make friends through my toddler’s baby gym class, but this didn’t work. Part of the problem was that the class was 80% nannies. Also, my daughter was the troublemaker of the class and I suspected nobody wanted to be associated with such a liability. Somehow, every baby in the class sat on their mom/nanny’s lap obediently while listening to the teacher’s instructions, but mine kept rushing the obstacle course and screaming when held back (the teacher felt VERY strongly about 18-36 month old children listening to her obstacle course monologue before attempting to—gasp—play on the obstacle course.) I guess this expectation was fair—for everyone except my daughter. Anyway, I had better luck at other baby classes (in case you’re wondering, she still won’t follow instructions) so just keep trying.

The repetition also ensures that you aren’t pressured to ask for anyone’s number because you might never see them again. Recently, I went to a party where I really liked one of the moms in attendance, and I asked for her number. She mentioned she was going to ask for mine too, so I’m sure the platonic “attraction” was mutual. But now I’m like, it’s been a month, should I text her? She hasn’t texted me! It’s really hard to spark a friendship out of one good conversation. On that note, maybe I should text her.

When you meet a fellow mom, your first thought will be to ask how old their kid is. It’s such an easy opener. It’s the “do you come here often?” of mom talk. Side note that when you ask a woman how old her child is, and she says “three” don’t say, “Wow, what has he had done? He barely looks a day over twenty-six months!” Apparently this is “rude,” even in our society that glorifies youth. Go figure!

Anyway, it totally makes sense to open your conversation by talking about your kids. Perhaps, if this is someone you see repeatedly, your first few interactions will be 100%-kid focused. But in my experience, the friendship escalates when you go beyond kid-talk.

I find that mom conversations have really escalated when I discover things about their hobbies and passions completely outside of their career or children, even if these things are relatively mundane like watching movies or shopping (it helps that I enjoy both of these things!) but you’d be surprised at how diverse moms’ hobbies and interests can be. I had one amazing conversation with a mom (who I’d say has become a friendly acquaintance, we’re not close yet) which was entirely about our childhood love of American Girl Dolls. I bonded with another mom-friend over our love of fairy dolls and books (I promise I have adult interests, or even just non-doll-oriented interests.) Getting out of the milestones, childcare, work schedule talk can help. But it takes time to get there.

Usually, I start with the typical kid questions, then ask what they do for a living (to be honest, I’m still trying to figure out how to ask about this without sounding rude to either SAHMs or working moms! Asking if they “work outside the home” seems to be okay since it doesn’t dismiss homemaking as “not real work” but it always comes out a bit awkwardly.) If the mom in question works and enjoys her job, you can ask questions about her work. A lot of working moms don’t love their jobs anymore than working dads do, and it’s just a paycheck, so this won’t always be a great topic. But you can easily transition from “job she doesn’t really like that much” to what she enjoys doing outside of work, or what she enjoyed doing with her free time before kids.

Now, at this point, some moms will just say they don’t enjoy doing anything because they’re too tired or stressed. True as this may be for some people, I feel like it’s usually a sign that they aren’t in the business of making new friends. I actually met one mom, who I actually thought might be kind of cool, and she said she was so busy that she couldn’t come up with any recreational interest outside of her job. She said her interest was “working.” Oh, you’re too busy to have a favorite movie or book? I already know you aren’t going to come to my garden party. NEXT!

If it’s pulling teeth to have a conversation, and they insist they don’t enjoy anything, this person will probably not be an interesting friend. You don’t have to be friends with every mom you meet. You can have a pleasant conversation and then just remain acquaintances. But generally, if someone is willing to talk about their passions, interests and hobbies, even if they don’t have many, that’s a good sign. Another question I like to ask after the small talk has finished is whether or not they had another career they considered doing, but never pursued. For example, I wanted to be an OB-GYN! God, can you imagine, me as an OB-GYN, holding back my nonstop treasure trove of vagina jokes? What a waste! Anyway, you’ll find it’s always surprising and interesting when people have an answer to this question.

Most people don’t brag on purpose. Something excites them or interests them, and they want to share that excitement with other people. This is especially true when the bragging is about their kids. Isn’t it good to be proud of your kids?! But anyway, I think I brag by accident sometimes, and I’m trying to work on stopping.

At the risk of bragging right now: my five-year-old is delayed on almost everything, and then seemingly by magic, he learned how to read. Nobody can explain how he learned how to read. His school hasn’t started teaching reading yet. In fact, I tried to teach him how to read and he refused, insisting it was “too hard.” And yet, I finally tested him and it turns out he can read big kid books he’s never seen before. I am not the bragging-type mom, but I was so shocked by this development that I found myself sharing it with other moms, usually juxtaposed with the fact that he still can’t draw a square. But I’ve noticed people’s eyes really glaze over when I talk about it, so I’ve stopped. Except for just now.

I met a mom that clearly hadn’t gotten this memo. She asked me about where my kids were going to school, and at first she seemed genuinely interested to talk, but then I realized she was using it as a jumping off point to brag about how her genius child was in a special gifted school. Cut to: a monologue about the gifted school, about how “bored” he was in regular school, and about how smart he is. The funny thing is, I ran into this same woman years later, she didn’t remember meeting me, and she performed the same monologue a second time! I usually keep an open mind, but I found this pretty insufferable. So every time I feel tempted to talk about anything gifted-child-adjacent, I stop myself.

Another mistake I’ve learned from: first playdates are best in public locations, assuming your kids are little. This is because, if your child is anything like my first, they will not want to share their toys. The other kid also might not want to share their toys. My son still hates having people over—even his friends!—because they might touch his stuff. Almost every playdate that we’ve thrown at our house has been a disaster and we’ve had to profusely apologize for his hyper-capitalist attitude toward property. (That’s what I get for not bedsharing—I’ve raised a child with toxic individualism!) The park (or any other public setting) provides a much more socially safe atmosphere for a playdate. The kids will also be more occupied on various play structures, so you can talk to the other mom without lots of distraction. There will also be less awkwardness about the host/guest dynamic. Nobody feels obligated to bring anything or to offer to help clean up. Of course, this can be tricky when it’s cold outside, but it works pretty well for non-winter months! For cooler months, you could always try a trampoline park or other indoor activity, but admittedly that’s hard to do spontaneously.

When you’re a mom, there are a million reasons not to do things. Outside of caring for your children and doing your job, you can drop the ball on pretty much anything else and it’ll be fine (for a little while, anyway.) You can default to wearing sweatpants every day. You can stop working out. You can stop doing all your hobbies. You can even stop showering daily. And if you can stop taking basic care of yourself, it’s extremely easy to let your friendships slide. Doubly easy if these “friendships” are all hypothetical.

But you have to just stop making excuses at some point. If you don’t make the effort to meet up with a new friend this week, is it really going to be any easier next week? I would meet a cool woman, and then repeatedly tell myself, “Oh, I’ll ask her to hang out later, I have too much going on right now” until way too much time had passed since our most recent conversation.

Recently, I met a mom who very effectively solidified a second meetup. After we exchanged numbers, I promised myself I’d text her “soon,” but I actually forgot about it for a week, even though I really liked her (not to spill the beans here, but I’m working on a book, and it’s been a lot!) But thank goodness, voila, the other mom texted me and asked if I was free to get lunch with our toddlers in tow, tomorrow. I said yes, and we had a really nice time. But had she also forgotten, we likely never would have met up again, and it wouldn’t have been because either of us was truly uninterested! Think about how many friendships never form, not because it’s a bad match or someone did something wrong but just because both moms think, “I’ll text her next week?”

A great way to make moves is to have a specific date, time and place in mind. Asking another mom to “meet up sometime” will get you as close to a real-life meetup as sending her the rickrolling video (remember 2008?)

For a while, I had stopped making moves beyond an initial meetup. I worried that if I was the one who made the first and second move, it was a sign that the other mom didn’t really like me. I wrote about how I started culling people from party invites if they were unreliable about RSVPs after a few invites. A real-life friend of mine read the article and told me that a lot of people who seem “flaky” about invites are actually just working full time and find it hard to make time for friends while also balancing quality time with their kids. In her words, I shouldn’t assume it means a lack of interest in me specifically. So from now on, I will make more moves—even when the other people aren’t making them back. However, I will take repeated completely ignored invitations as a sign that maybe the other mom isn’t interested.

My biggest challenge making mom friends has been the fact that I don’t have a “group.” I didn’t go to school in the place where I currently live (not that I’m friends with anyone from my school) and I no longer work in tech (where nobody liked me anyway). Also, when my first child was born, it was peak covid and I didn’t feel safe going to any social events. So after my second child was born, I was eager to be part of a group but just…couldn’t infiltrate one.

Eventually, I…sort of did. I started going to the same park at the same time every day (see: repetition) and met a woman with a lot of the same interests. Just for example, she sewed her own wedding dress. Yes, I somehow managed to find a friend who likes sewing. Turns out we have loads of other stuff in common too, and our daughters have the same birthday week. We became friends slowly over months. She’s definitely one of my best local friends now. I have since made other friends through her!

Eventually, I was able to meet friends through her once we were close enough for her to start inviting me to things. I attended her daughter’s birthday party, her baby shower, and now we are thinking of forming a co-op playgroup for other SAHMs in our circles (aka, her circle.) We also co-hosted a party, which was really advantageous for both of us: I had the bigger venue, she had more friends. And just the other day, I got lunch with one of her friends, and I’ll have you know I limited it to just seven Trump impressions before the apps were served.

I think a lot of moms really do want to make friends. But we’re naturally limited! We have limited time and energy, and even more limited time to socialize just as adults. As a result, there are a lot of moms who are “lonely” and who “want friends” but don’t really put conscious effort into making them or spending time with them. Admittedly, at times, that person has been me. But you don’t need twenty friends and a full social calendar. You really just need a few good ones who are able to hang out occasionally.

The last piece of advice I would give—which is admittedly far easier to give than to take—is to not take offense or write people off too quickly when they flake. For a while, I prided myself on holding firm boundaries around flaky, unreliable friends. I hated the fact that I always had to put in most of the effort, and if I noticed I was always the one texting first, I eventually just stopped communicating with that person. But as unfair as it is for me to be the one making all the first moves, the reality is that other people might genuinely be busier than I am.

And even if it’s just bad luck, or laziness, or whatever, I’m not going to get anywhere by preserving my dignity, when the “humiliating” scenario is not getting a text back. If something isn’t working with one friend, move onto others, but don’t write people off too quickly. You may start out as someone’s fifty-fourth priority, but that doesn’t mean you won’t one day be their…I don’t know what a normal priority number for a mom friend is, eighth priority? Eighth sounds good.