Source: Exposing How Churches Ignore and Protect Women’s Sin (and What It’s Cost Us) Channel: Effective Purpose Published: November 16, 2025 | Archived: June 8, 2026

Video: Exposing How Churches Ignore and Protect Women’s Sin (and What It’s Cost Us)
Channel: Effective Purpose
Published: November 16, 2025
Duration: 50:09
Views: 110,605
Category: People & Blogs
Video ID: WbN6J6EHj6Y

Description

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Transcript — YouTube panel (human-authored)

0:00 Most people today seem to realize the relationship world is in bad shape. But it’s popular among my people, Christians, to target all of the blame for that breakdown onto men. Trouble with that is women make decisions, too. In fact, women tend to make more decisions in relationships now than men do. So, if things are broken, they caused it, too. But here’s the problem. You can’t fix something if you’re not willing to admit that it’s broken. And modern conservative Christians are not willing to admit that our sweet, innocent looking angels actually sin for real. Even in our most conservative of churches, we don’t do much of anything to hold women accountable. Most of the rebukes and accountability groups and programs that we have to deal with sin are aimed at men. Once a woman becomes a Christian, it’s as if we don’t think she has a sinful flesh or biological drives anymore that would compel her to do evil things like men do. In other words, we’ll admit that yes, Curse of the Fall,

1:02 all women have sin, but we act like Christian women don’t do sin. And as we’ll begin to see today, that is not a small miss. Oh, hi. Yeah, you definitely don’t have a shot caller, do \[music\] you? Yeah, I think she’s happy. Today, we’re going to start a series looking at what’s really going on here. Why did we stop holding women accountable? And is there anything we can do to fix this before it’s too late? \[music\] Today, we’re just going to focus on what this accountability imbalance looks like in real life. Because I know a lot of Christians will say, “What are you talking about? We do a phenomenal job of prosecuting women’s sin at our church.” I want to show you exactly what I’m looking at when I say we absolutely \[music\] don’t. Let’s get going. I’m going to start with a story. I was watching a sermon recently where the pastor said, “All right, I’m calling everybody out tonight. I’m going to call out the guys

1:58 for their sin and then I’m going to call out the girls, too.“ And I’m thinking, “Oh, okay. He might actually do it. This could get a little spicy in here. Impossible climb. Nothing is impossible.” So, he gets going and he’s saying, “All right, I’m going to start with the guys.” And of course, \[music\] it’s the greatest hits. all the stuff you’ve heard before, lust and watching porn and getting into flirtationships.

2:20 That one I thought was a little odd because let’s be honest, most guys are so far beneath most women that they couldn’t get into a flirtationship if they wanted to. But fine, whatever. He’s calling guys out for sin. That’s good. Sin destroys everything that it touches. So, hey, fire away. And then he gets through his list. He goes, “Okay, I called out the guys. Now it’s time for the girls.” And I’m thinking, “All right, buckle up, kids. It’s happening.

2:44 And he says, “Ladies, what you do is you don’t show up.” Wait, what? That’s That’s it. That’s That’s the thing that you’re calling him out for. That was his whole point. To be a good follower of Jesus, you have to be discipled. And to be discipled, you have to show up for disciplehip. So, you need to show up more, I guess. Uh, yeah. the Hello, Momo. Come here. Hi. Hi. Meow. Yes. Meow. Do you want to meow to people? Now, I know you might be thinking, okay, well, you know, maybe he’s just easing into it, right? Uh, he’ll get into the heavier stuff as he makes his way. Sorry. As he makes his way down the list, kind of like the spreadsheet of stuff that he had for the guys, you know, maybe he’ll get No, no, that was it. You don’t show up. End of list. \[music\] What’s more, the way he described it was so vague that not even my wife could figure out what he meant by it. It was so vague that to me it came across kind of evasive as \[music\] if he was trying not to say anything

3:49 specific. And honestly, even if he had, I don’t know that it would help. The point itself didn’t make any sense because he was saying you don’t show up to the people who showed up. And more than that, statistically, women are the ones who show up the most. They attend church more. They do the churchy things and participate in disciplehip stuff way more than men do. Women make up 60% of church attendance. And that’s on a normal Sunday. And this wasn’t even a Sunday service. This was a midweek \[music\] event. So these were the women who hadn’t just shown up. They showed up for more. On top of that, not showing up isn’t really a sin. Unless you draw your own arbitrary line and say you must do at least this many disciplehip things per week or else it’s a sin. But the Bible doesn’t really give us authority to do that. So what exactly are we calling women to repent of here?

4:48 Something that’s not specific. It’s not a sin and it’s not even something that they’re doing. The point was vague but the message was clear. Women don’t sin. In theory, yes. But in real life, nah, not really. Actually, it kind of reminded me of the movie K-pop Demon Hunter, which by the way, if you haven’t seen it, it’s actually it’s kind of fun. The story is really well written. The the characters are engaging, and I’m going to get killed \[music\] for saying this, but the music is is pretty good. I don’t listen to K-pop ever, but it made me feel something. It’s a fun, highquality movie experience. However, the message, spoiler alert, by the way, I’m going to ruin the whole thing for you. The male protagonist committed some of the worst acts of selfishness that you could possibly imagine. \[music\] He sold out his family to a life of poverty and famine where they \[music\] starved to death so that he could live in safety and luxury himself. That was his shame

5:50 as they call it in the movie. Sin is what we would call that in the West. But the female protagonist, the worst thing that she did, her shame, her sin, was that she hid her true self. And if that wasn’t on the nose enough, at the climactic moment of the movie, the male protagonist sacrifices his life so that the woman can have a chance to reveal to the world how awesome she really was underneath. Hi. I thought you didn’t want to be up here. Come here. What are you hitting me for? Hassan hits his dog, my cat hits me. How is that fair?

6:27 Don’t you talk back to me. Not I’m going to do anything about it. I just realized it’s actually a very good illustration for where we’re going today. In case you didn’t catch it, the message clear about is that men are the ones who sin. Men commit atrocities. Men do horrible, abusive, destructive things. Women are awesome. so awesome that the worst thing a woman can do is just hide. The worst thing women do is hold back their awesomeness and hide it from the world so that other people don’t get to experience and enjoy how amazing she really is. By the way, for those keeping score, another message this sends is that in order for a man to repent of his horribleness, he must sacrifice his life for a woman. But for a woman to repent, all she has to do is reveal her true self \[music\] and display her awesomeness. She must show up. Now, I don’t think that’s what this pastor meant in this sermon, but

7:29 the message is still the same. Men are the ones who do the really bad stuff. Women don’t. \[music\] So, all we need from them is just a little better participation and then they’re golden. But is that really true? Is that actually the worst thing that women do? There’s nothing else that’s more important for us to talk about. \[music\] For example, I mean, we did just call the guys out for their porn use.

7:52 Wouldn’t it make sense to call the ladies out for reading smut? Was that so far below not showing up that we couldn’t sneak it onto the one item list? And let’s not act like this isn’t a major problem in our churches either. I mean, a while ago, this reel popped up on my feed. I mean, look at it. We all know what this is talking about, but let’s spell it out for the kids in the back. He’s talking about smut. Erotic fantasy fiction written by women for women so that they can indulge in lust.

8:22 And this stuff is exploding right now, by the way. It’s wildly popular. There’s whole sections devoted to it at bookstores now. And the reason this reel showed up on my feed is because Instagram shows you stuff that your friends have liked. And no less than three of my Christian female friends liked this reel. At least one of whom goes to the church that \[music\] I attend right now. Christian women consume loads of this stuff. But unlike the guys, they’re totally unashamed about it.

8:52 Where the men feel terrible about it and they fight it with every ounce that they have in them, Christian women don’t care at all. They openly flaunt their smut consumption. They’re not fighting anything because no one’s ever told them that they should. Like, yes, I see a few Christian influencers, people talking about online, but I can’t remember a single time I’ve seen anyone in any church setting say a word about it. I don’t know how we imagine that we can fix all of the problems that we’re seeing in the world, knowing how destructive these sins are, knowing what lust does to people, and yet we put all of the focus on the guys and let the women just do whatever they want. How do we think we will ever fix anything when only half the population is repenting?

9:40 Now, before we move on and talk about how destructive this avoidance of women’s sin and lack of accountability really is, I want to show you guys some examples of what this avoidance looks like out in the wild so that you guys can spot it. And if you have the right kind of relationship with the person doing it, possibly even call \[music\] it out. Now, before I get started, I should mention I’m not doing this to put these pastors down. I like some of what these guys have to say \[music\] about scripture. I’ve read some of their books even. I’m just counting up how many times they address men directly versus women and seeing what the differences are when they do.

10:17 So to the guys in the room, God’s saying, “You were created very good. You by yourself, that is not a good idea.” So we might ought to step down off our high horse if we’re on one right about here. You by yourselves, not good. So if you’re still living with your father and your mother, guys, and you’re wanting to get married, you might want to make some plans and make some moves.

10:33 Okay, he’s calling out the guys here specifically. So far, it’s 2-0. Assuming some negative things about the guys. So, who is this guy? Y’all are getting kind of serious. Tell Oh, he’s a Christian. He comes from a Christian family. His parents are Lutheran. That’s not who you want to marry. You’re looking for somebody who has passion for Jesus. We’re now up to 3. Can you get down from there? This creature is absolutely unhinged at the moment and will not let me live my life. You know, I might understand why Hassan does what he does.

11:02 having an animal just sort of roaming around the house doing whatever it wants to do while you’re trying to do something. Yeah, it’s doesn’t it’s not working out great. And the the message to that guy is God’s called you to be the spiritual leader of our family. But I’m telling you, young lady, if you are lowering your expectation that this guy is the spiritual leader of your home, then you got to put the brakes on this thing right now.

11:22 Okay, now it’s starting to get a little bit more overt. Notice what the bad thing that each sex does in this particular scenario. The man is assumed to be a failure as a leader. The woman, the thing she did wrong that she needs to repent of is lowering her standards. There’s nothing to do with what she offers or how she treats him. It’s all about what the guy isn’t doing enough of. So, in our 5, guys are the problem.

11:49 Girls are fine. I just through observation of a lot of life, it would primarily be that the wife has got a fire burning over here for the Lord and the guy’s like somewhere on the way to that, you know, not burning. This is a common belief that I see a lot of pastors espouse that women are the ones who are truly on fire for the Lord. They are the ones who are the good disciples. Men are the ones who are just sort of meh about Jesus. I would argue a lot of that has to do with the way that we count being on fire for the Lord. We look at the external aesthetic performatives, the you know taking nerd note nerds taking notes during the sermon and hands raised while you’re singing and doing whatever things the church puts on regardless of what they are and whether or not they actually have any value. And women love those kind of aesthetic performatives because it makes them look good and women like to look good. And pastors see that stuff. They see that women are the good students in the class. And for

12:49 pastors and leaders who judge their people based on how well their people are responding to them as pastors, not necessarily to the Lord, but to them as pastors. Well, yeah, of course the women look like they are the on fire ones. But the reality is that’s just not how men work. We care about different things. We don’t care about the performatives as much. We care about getting stuff done that matters. we care about the mission.

13:16 If that’s true that they’re not on fire, it’s usually because they don’t have a mission. Guys don’t like sitting down in Sunday service and being yapped at for an hour. \[music\] Men never do as well in school type settings like a church is. They don’t find it valuable because men care more about doing than sitting around and listening and taking notes. It reminds me of that quote. I think it’s attributed to Einstein. If you judge a fish by how well it can climb a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it’s stupid. And that is how we treat men. We judge them by measures \[music\] that women naturally do better on and then just go, “Wow, look at that. Women are better.” And we put the men down because we’re not judging them on stuff that they would actually excel at. Like, I don’t know, getting out and actually doing something. Anyways, that this one kind of set me off a little bit. You just you don’t need to bash the men for this.

14:09 He said, “Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands.” Now, I know whenever we see this word, everybody starts getting a little bit antsy, but in the chapter before, God’s telling all of us to be submissive. God’s kingdom is a kingdom of submissiveness to him as king and to a to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. This, by the way, is a feminist interpretation of this passage called mutual submission. Basically, it takes this very clear command that’s repeated three times in the New Testament for women to submit to their husbands. And they say, “No, actually, you don’t need to submit to your husband in any special way. In fact, you don’t need to submit to him any more than you would a friend at church or a Christian you pass by on the street because we all have to submit to each other equally.” Now, that for what I would hope are obvious reasons does not work in real life. Your husband is not just a friend and your friends aren’t affected by the decisions you

15:06 make in the same way. So, it’s not the same thing. They do this to appease the feminist power narrative, the idea that women need power to be happy and safe and valuable. But we’ll talk more about that in the next video, so subscribe if you want to see that. In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be \[clears throat\] one over. It’s never too late with God for God to change the heart of that other person and to bring that marriage to a different place in terms of shared mission and shared purpose. Number three, and I I’m going to have to really scoot here. Ah, yes. He’s got to scoot. He’s got to move on.

15:41 I’m not making an accusation here, but that is convenient. If you were going to call women out for sin, this is a passage that directly addresses women. And he totally scoots past it. no problem at all all throughout the sermon assuming the worst about men and calling them out for their their sin and their failure to measure up. But as soon as it comes to a passage that would indicate where a woman might sin, we don’t want to get specific about that. I’ll read it and I’ll lay it out there for you. But if anything, he actually softens it.

16:12 Don’t make it your goal number three to change your spouse. If they’re not where you think God wants them to be spiritually, do not go into the marriage going, “I know I can change them. I know I can win them over. He just needs time. Well, give him all the time he needs, but don’t marry him until he’s had enough time. So far, we’ve had in every instance, the positive example is the woman, and the negative example is the man. Notice that the only mistake the woman made was trying to fix the guy. It wasn’t any brokenness in herself. It wasn’t any sin that she engaged in.

16:39 This is what Paul said. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. There’s that submit word again. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as as you do to the Lord. Now, that sounds terrible until you connect it with this. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy. He read the scripture and said, “Hey, this sounds terrible. This having to respect and submit, which \[music\] is it?

17:02 What if it isn’t? What if that is actually something that’s right and good and healthy and it’s not horrible? The only thing he does is he agrees with the feminist premise that submission is a horrible thing and then moves the focus on to the men. deflects attention away from it and over onto what the men must do. And we’re not done. Oh man, it gets better. I think the guys are with me now.

17:25 They’re amening pretty hardily out there. I need some respect around our house. And then it hit me. If you want to be respected, be respectable. The fifth thing is super simple. Be kind. Paul wrote it this way. Be kind and compassionate to one another. Oh, we moved on already. Okay. \[music\] So, yeah, I don’t know if you guys caught that, but the point he was making there was not that women should respect men because that’s what God commands.

17:47 His point is that if a man wants to be respected, he has to earn it. That would suggest that if a man doesn’t earn it, then she is released from any biblical obligation to do it. If you want to have a marriage that honors God, just marry the best person on earth. That’s what I did. Marry the best person. Okay. Yeah. All right. You do realize what the ladies are hearing when you say that, right? I mean, as if their standards weren’t high enough already. as if they weren’t like delusionally far beyond what reality would dictate. We got to tell them, hey, only settle for the absolute best person on the planet. Is that really a wise thing to say? I don’t know. I wouldn’t say it. One last thing here \[music\] them to be. But I just say to the guys in the house today, make it your goal to be a respectable man. You change your marriage today by saying, I want to be a respectable man. I bet I’ll get more respect when I become respectable. In closing, he comes back to the men one

18:40 more time and repeats the same point he made earlier, which is that men, if you want respect, you have to earn it. No mention of what women are actually commanded in scripture to do. No explanation of what that might look like in real life or how women might fall short of that in sin against those scriptures. Not one. But the guys, you are failing to step up and get out of the house. You are not spiritual enough.

19:06 If you’re not as on fire for the Lord, you aren’t earning the respect the scripture says that you should receive. Guys, it’s pretty much all on you. Now, one thing I want us to notice before we move on to the next one, it looks on the surface an awful lot like he talked to the ladies. But if you examine the content of what was said, there was no mention of practical behaviors and no specific rebukes. The only things that women were told to do were to put more on men’s shoulders, to expect more of them. Nothing that she needed to improve about herself. And also notice anytime scripture did address women directly, he acknowledges it, he reads it, but then immediately moves on to something else or immediately deflects the attention over to men and what men need to do. So, he technically performed the action of addressing the ladies, but contentwise, there was nothing there. I want to show you a different example because this one gives us a different picture of what’s going on.

20:04 Today we’re talking about how to get free from offense because you may have noticed that people seem pretty offended, maybe even angry these days. Recently there was this viral trend that went around where women wives were asking their husbands, “Do you wish you were more athletic?” And then they’d set up a secret camera and the internet would watch as men everywhere got deeply offended. We had one of our very own pastors of student ministries, Mattie Andre, ask her husband, Brandon, as they secretly recorded. Take a look at Oh, by the way, female pastor. It should tell you a little bit about this church.

20:33 Probably his response. Do you ever wish that you were more athletic? Like you don’t think I’m athletic as it is? Well, like do you just do you ever wish that you were more athletic? Am I not enough for you? What does that mean? I’m plenty athletic. I play pickle ball, spikeball, I run and lift. But do you do it all? Do you ever wish that you were more? Do you? You can carry out the laundry up the stairs yourself. Oh my goodness, what a good sport.

20:59 They’re perfectly comfortable making fun of these guys, insulting their masculine ability and making fun of them when they get defensive for being insulted. And not only are they defending this trend, they actually go out and do it themselves so that they can point and haha laugh at this guy that goes to their own church. Mocking men always funny. But notice what happens when they switch to talking about the ladies.

21:25 My wife Emily has had a couple videos go viral. Not our intent at all because she really is that athletic. This last spring highly complimentary so far. We insulted men’s athleticism and now we’re complimenting and playing up women’s athleticism. It’s a great start. Kind of just on a whim, I posted a video of my wife Emily hitting some ground balls one-handed to our teenage son, Matic. Something she’s done dozens of times, but what we get a kick out of are the comments. Many of them are mean and frankly offensive. Here’s just a few. That’s the father wearing a wig. That’s not offensive. That’s funny.

21:59 Another person said, “I don’t see anything impressive about this. Why is this on Instagram written by the guy whose profile pick is a mini poodle? Just to be clear, but that’s kind of valid. Like, yeah, sure, it’s cool that she’s able to do that, but it’s not Max Vstappen coming from a 150 points behind to win the drivers championship. It’s not that. Anyways, it’s kind of funny. I get that it’s light-hearted and they’re joking, but again, look at the content. The men, no problem making fun of them, mocking them, insulting their masculinity, making them feel ashamed of themselves.

22:31 No problem with that. But for the ladies, no, we got to defend them from anything that might mock them. Problem was, even though my athletic career eventually ended, my anger remained. For instance, early in my relationship with Emily 15 years ago, something would offend me and I’d slam doors. I’d storm off or raise my voice. I’m not proud of any of that. For as long as I can remember, there’s been an anger that simmers in me that can move through those five levels quicker than I can stop them. He goes on to talk about how anger is the primary mode of this sin of offense that he’s calling the people out for. And he focuses mostly on how men sin \[music\] with anger. No mention of how women get offended at things, how they um maybe control the people around them by getting offended.

23:18 We’ve talked in the past about how for every sin, there are three different outpourings \[music\] of it. There’s a predominantly male version of it. There’s a universal version that anybody might do. And then there’s a mostly female version of it. Throughout this sermon, he used primarily generic examples, the universal version of this sin where he did get into a more gendered example. He talked about the male specific version of that sin, getting \[music\] angry. He did not talk about controlling or manipulating people by getting upset with them, shaming them, mocking them, which is the primarily female mode of that same sin.

24:02 I’m far from perfect. I promise you. But with God’s help, Emily’s grace and feedback and then tools like those that I just showed you, they’ve all helped tremendously. Okay, you’ll notice something that he snuck in there. He used himself as the negative example of the sin and his wife was \[music\] part of the solution to the problem. Wait, last up, I want to examine something you’ll see in a lot of the more conservative churches that say that they’re against feminism and they claim to support men and actually hold their women accountable, but I want to see what that actually looks like in practice. This sermon we’re going to look at today is him addressing the women specifically. And to be clear, I’m not actually saying this was a bad message. This was actually the best one that I could find where a pastor’s talking to the ladies. And he actually says a few good things. But a lot of times in our culture, what’ll happen is pastors will go really hard at men because in general in our culture, there’s negative sentiments towards men.

24:58 So as a pastor, when you’re doing that, you’re kind of going with the grain of the culture. I mean, he’s absolutely right. This is he’s he’s calling it out. This is what you want to hear if you’re a guy. But let’s let’s see how he actually does. Number one, this is a very straightforward message. A Christian wife is a helper. A Christian wife is a helper. So this is really important. So they are equal in dignity and value. In fact, later in the Bible, it actually says that woman is the pinnacle of God’s creation. It’s almost like she’s when he went over everything with a high gloss finish.

25:25 He starts off by talking about, okay, you should be a helper, but then immediately diverts to completely different things. The concept of helper for a wife. The fear is that feels diminishing. She’s just a helper. Well, I want to point this out. The Hebrew word Azair that gets translated helper is used 21 times in the Old Testament. In 16 of them, it refers to God himself. So, this is not a diminishing term. Of most of the 16 times when helper refers to God is speaking in the context of military battles. Correct? So, here’s what’s happening is you ladies, you have been created wives with this power. There’s a power in it. Now, I’m I’m starting to get a little suspicious of what he’s saying. What makes me nervous about it is this is the foundation of the feminist premise. People need to have power in order to be valuable and and happy. And he’s trying to frame a helper position as a position of power. So, he’s trying to appease the feminist

26:20 premise, not remove it for your husband. And without you, he can’t win the battle that he was created to win. There is a power wives that you have in your femininity and you know it. Now I want to point something out. If you personally or any of your friends have ever gotten out of a parking ticket by turning on the waterworks or batting an eyelash, where are you at? So he actually does use a specific example here, but he never actually says that that behavior is ever a problem. We all know that that’s manipulative, dishonest behavior, but he doesn’t say that. He just simply says, “Look, look at the power that you have.” Let me ask this a follow-up question.

26:58 How many men have gotten out of a parking ticket by crying? \[music\] How many of you uh our security team has been instructed to escort you out of this church? The question is not whether you have a power in your femininity. The question is, watch this. Will you use that power to build up or to break \[music\] down your husband? He uses this example of a really manipulative behavior that’s not honest.

27:18 And he doesn’t call it wrong. He simply just uses an example of how women are powerful and says, “Hey, you need to either use that for building your man up or tearing him down, which is that’s fine, but are we not going to say, “Hey ladies, there’s certain things you shouldn’t do, like manipulating people.” So, it’s like he’s getting close to calling them out, \[music\] but doesn’t quite actually do it.

27:42 The role of helper in a wise marriage, what happens is the wife uses her power constructively. She encourages, she builds up, she puts bravery in the heart of her husband and and builds the home. In in a foolish marriage, she’s going to waste that power neglectfully. It’s not that she was trying to tear him down. She just didn’t know how to use that feminine power to build up. And in an evil marriage, the wife will pervert that power destructively. She’ll manipulate. She’ll control. She’ll tear him down with her words or she’ll try to step in and take his place.

28:11 So, he finally does it. We’re 13 minutes in and he finally calls the ladies out for something. But notice that it’s not specific. There’s no actual examples that would illuminate what that might look like. We as men know that there are plenty of examples he could have used. He simply just he doesn’t. That isn’t a small miss. And we’ll come back to why later. Number two, a Christian wife is submissive to her husband. This is all over the Bible. Submit to your own husbands. That’s important. I’m going to talk about what this looks like. What does it mean for a wife to be submissive to her husband? But because the passages like this have been u manipulated by bad men all throughout history.

28:48 Okay, notice that the problem is the bad men who’ve been manipulating scripture. Let me give some important caveats about what this doesn’t mean. And then he goes on to spend most of his time talking about what it doesn’t mean. Submission is not waiting until you think he deserves it. It doesn’t say, “Hey, respect him if he’s” or “Submit to him if he does.” So totally contradicting what Louie said. And I actually appreciate that that he does this. But look at the example that he uses here and then how he handles that example \[music\] going forward.

29:16 Sometimes wives, you’ll even do this talking to me in a lobby with your husband standing next to you. You’ll say things like, “Man, Pastor Josh, I wish my husband were a spiritual leader like you were. Let me say a few things. Number one, how about you don’t know Pastor Josh? How about Pastor Josh isn’t all he’s always cracked up to be, and I I can be a selfish jerk.” So, he uses a specific example finally, but immediately deflects all of the negativity back towards himself. \[music\] Now, I get it. I understand why he’s doing this. The ladies that he’s talking to have \[music\] extremely thin skin. And so, he’s trying to deflect as much negative attention off of them as he possibly can and says, “Hey, ladies, your passive aggressive remark towards your husband wasn’t wrong because you passive aggressively cut him down. It was wrong because you misjudged me. Is that really what made it wrong?

30:04 To make sure your husband is honoring his role as the loving head of the family and taking a posture, listen, that acknowledges, encourages, and follows his leadership in both words and actions \[music\] as the head of the family. I’m going to give some real life examples of where there have been rare, very rare moments in our marriage where I’ve just gone, “Hey babe, I need to make a \[music\] decision as a leader of our family.” So, he finally starts talking about what submission is, but the examples he uses are mostly focused on himself. Again, we were watching My Big Fat Greek \[music\] Wedding. Her choice, not mine.

30:34 Okay. There’s a line in the movie where one of the ladies says, “The husband is the head, but the wife is the neck. She can turn him any way she wants.” Right? Now, \[music\] kind of funny, also kind of demonic. A little demonic. Okay. True. Ladies, you have a higher calling than neck. A wife of noble character, not \[music\] her husband’s neck, his crown. So what a crown does is it sits on his head and it communicates to everybody around this man is a king. This guy is special. There is glory in this man.

31:01 Again, we’re seeing this theme that women are special. You don’t see that sort of men are special and they’re amazing and they’re powerful and awesome and incredible. It’s no men, you’re sucking at this. You’re you’re not doing that right. Stop that. It’s straight at their sins. He’s given some generic examples of ways that women might violate godly womanhood, but we’re 32 minutes in and we’ve only gotten one specific example of what that might look like. And even then, he deflected the attention back to himself immediately.

31:33 So, the ladies didn’t actually have to sit with their sin and contemplate \[music\] it. In general, husbands are going to struggle more than wives with prioritizing their work or their hobbies over their wives. Husbands, listen to me. You are not one flesh with your job. So, you must never prioritize \[music\] your job over your wife. Okay. I don’t know why we’re calling out the guys in a message that’s supposed to be directed towards the \[music\] women. We don’t ever do the reverse of that.

31:55 And also, we might want to examine why guys prioritize their jobs so much because especially in today’s economy, guys have to put in humongous hours at their jobs just to be able to provide the life that their wife demands. So, we couldn’t talk about those demands that that women place on men and say, “Hey, maybe ladies, in order to make sure that your man is able to be home for you, you might want to lessen your expectations of the amount of bacon you expect him to bring home so that that can free him up to be a husband and father more. You might want to see about being more content, but instead it’s put on the guys to no, just don’t do it.” And then if the wives are upset with you for that and they’re not happy with you for for not giving them enough, oh well, just deal with it, I guess. So, I’m not sure why we went that direction here. Women sometimes can struggle with prioritizing their children over their husband.

32:46 Ladies, watch this. A marriage will start with a wife prioritizing her husband. Then kids come along and he becomes the priority and she starts to say things like this. Oh, he knows my babies come first. So, the marriage started with the husband as the priority, but now the kids are the priority. You’re too tired for fun or for intimacy. So he starts to get jealous out of his jealousy and resentment. He starts prioritizing his career. You’re going to do the kids. I’m going to do the career. So then when the kids go to college, the thing that she was all about is gone and he’s not all about her anymore. So when they go to college, you pull the pin on a grenade.

33:12 And that’s why a ton of divorces happen not at year three or seven. They happen at year 20 and 25. That’s true. So if you make the marriage about the thing that’s going to leave, you are building in a landmine that you were going to detonate someday. Okay. I love that. We’re 36 minutes in and he’s finally getting to something that has some teeth to it and actually has major consequences for their their marriage and their relationship.

33:32 Ladies, you need to understand this. There is a built-in thing in your husband’s heart and it it only goes towards you. Nobody else in the world. In your husband’s heart, there’s this built-in thing that \[music\] says she’s right. Whatever you say about your husband, his heart will begin to believe she’s \[music\] right. So, if you tear him down, so if you say things like this, little comments, he’s just a big goofball. Everybody knows he’s sorry about my husband. and he’s kind of an idiot. Bless his heart. If I want anything done, I got to take care of it myself. Or you’re like a walking fact checker. You know, he married a fact checker, not a wife. If you do that, then what happens is his heart starts to go, “Man, she’s probably right. I probably don’t got it.” Yes, finally. Okay, he’s finally starting to say something that has some teeth to it and has some specific behaviors and examples and phrases to make it real. But again, we’re 37 minutes in before that actually happens.

34:20 Watch this, ladies. \[music\] If you use your words to place a crown on his head, there is glory in you. Don’t focus on the seven areas where he’s struggling. Focus on the one area in your husband’s life where you see evidence of grace and use your words to pour rocket fuel on that thing and it’s going to grow and grow and it can turn him into something he would never be. This is my story that he would never be without you.

34:39 Finally, he tells the ladies, “Hey, don’t do this specific thing. Do this thing instead.” But it’s only about 5 minutes total in this sermon where he’s doing that out of a 45minute sermon. I actually like this sermon. I like a lot of what he says in here. But I want us to notice that this is another thing you will see at a lot of churches. If you add up all of the time that they spend speaking to men and saying, “Hey, you need to do this specific thing or you’re you’re messing up in this particular way.” If you add all of that up for the men, it’s hours, \[music\] hours and hours of that that men have to sit through. This is the kind of sermon that you’ll only see once every 2 to 3 years, if \[music\] ever, at most churches. And if we add up the entire time that he spent saying specific things, it’s only like 5 or 6 minutes.

35:30 Once every 2 to 3 years, maybe. \[music\] You think that might produce some imbalances in the amounts and the kinds of sins that you see among our churches. And then what’s really frustrating is that when someone tries to point out that imbalance at churches like this, they’ll point to this 5 minutes and say, “Well, actually, no. Yes, we did hold women accountable.” As if that was enough to do anything. Especially when these ladies are receiving heaps of praise and validation the rest of the time. Spiritual formation isn’t done by that thing you heard that one time. It’s done by the things you hear on repeat over and over. And what do women hear over and over most of the time? Exactly \[music\] what they want to hear. A few minutes of rebuke every few years will never be more than a drop in the river of praise that’s feeding her sinful flesh. And keep in mind, this is the best example I could find of a pastor actually calling

36:31 women out and taking them to task for their sin. I just don’t know how we could possibly think that this is enough. Let’s really quick address some objections I know we’re going to receive if \[music\] we try to point any of this stuff out. First one is a lot of people will say, “Well, we just don’t need to call women out \[music\] because they’re so sweet and well- behaved that they only need a few minutes every few years to put \[music\] them back in line.

36:57 They’re just that good.“ Which I would hope is obviously false. I shouldn’t need to explain why that isn’t true. More commonly, what you’ll hear, though, is \[music\] we don’t need to call the women out from the pulpit because we can do it all through other ministries and behind closed doors. And really, we should do that anyway to protect women’s reputations and make sure that women feel safe in church. Now, we’ll address the safety thing later on, but I want to tell you guys another story. So, my wife was noticing at her church that the women weren’t being called out for their sin from the pulpit or or in any direct way. So, she went to the elders and asked them why. What’s going on? And what they told her was, if I understand this right, was they didn’t think it was their job. As they viewed it, it was the man at the head of every household who was responsible for rebuking their wives and daughters and and holding them account to sin. And I guess they felt that that just wasn’t their place. Few problems with that. One, as my wife

37:57 pointed out, that does nothing for the single women living on their own. They have no one holding them accountable. Two, this seems to be in direct violation of numerous verses which tell us that because sin is so infectious and deadly when it’s allowed to spread, it must be eradicated from the church body by any means necessary. And that includes public rebuke and discipline, no matter whose sin it is. For example, in Acts, Ananas and Safara both took a Holy Spirit shotgun to the face for their sin in \[music\] public. People need to see rebukes of men and women because everyone should be afraid of their sin.

38:38 \[music\] Three, what you teach from the pulpit trickles down into the culture of your church. If you don’t do it there, \[music\] then the men know that they don’t have any backing to do it at home where, by the way, women have all the leverage over them anyway. Another objection, why does it have to be specific? \[music\] Why can’t we just use generic universal examples and principles about sin that apply to everyone? Why isn’t that enough? \[music\] Well, it’s very simple.

39:05 If you don’t give concrete examples with specific behaviors attached, \[music\] then I get to decide what a sin looks like. I get to decide what counts as pride or disrespect \[music\] or cutting my husband down and what doesn’t. I can say, “Well, yeah, I know he felt cut down, but I needed to do it.” And so it was justified. \[music\] The lust thing that we talked about actually perfect example of this.

39:30 Christians will say, “Ladies, hey, you need to avoid lust. Don’t consume porn cuz those things are sins.” \[music\] And we have Christian women today going, “Okay, all right, cool. Yeah, we won’t do that.” And then unashamedly read \[music\] smut thinking that they’re doing nothing wrong because they decided that because it’s not visual, well then it doesn’t count. So, I’m not sinning with lust like the evil boys do with their porn because none of their leaders got specific. \[music\] Same with pride. A woman will hear her pastor teach a whole sermon about how pride is sin and we needs to be humble about what we deserve and then turn around and have the most insane, delusional expectations for the man she wants to marry or what she expects from her husband. All the while thinking to herself, “Wow, I’m as humble as a field mouse.” All because nobody had the cabbages to get specific about the female dominant mode of that sin and expose what it looks like in real life.

40:33 And by the way, why do we \[music\] think women get so offended when we call them out for specific behaviors? \[music\] They’ll clap and applaud and say, “Amen.” As long as you keep it general, and you keep it off of them. If you get specific, they get upset because you just showed that they are guilty, too. And you just made them look bad. You damaged their most sacred idol, their reputation. Here’s why this is so damning for us. Staff at my church have a saying. You are safe here, but your sin is \[music\] not. Of course, that’s a phenomenal policy because sin is destructive, and treating it like that \[music\] protects people from it. problem is that only works if it applies to everyone equally. \[music\] If anyone’s sin is safe, then people aren’t. And right now, the message we’re sending with our actions is crystal clear. Men, your sins are not safe \[music\] here. Ladies, your sins are. We treat men’s sin like an outbreak of the flood and drop nukes on it every Sunday.

41:35 But when we talk about women’s sin, it’s vague. It’s evasive. We spend more time giving caveats and explanations of why it doesn’t really mean that in order to protect their feelings. There’s no urgency about the sin at \[music\] all. We don’t treat women’s sin like it’s as deadly as it actually is. The message we’re sending is ladies, your sin is safe here. We’ll ignore it. We’ll hide it. Deflect attention away from it.

42:01 Redefine scripture so that it doesn’t apply to you anymore. Heck, we’ll even shame and discredit anyone who tries to criticize you or expose any of what you do. We will do whatever it takes to keep your sins safe here. And don’t worry, no one will ever catch on because we’ll throw a few softballs at you every few years. So, as long as you can take that, we’ll take care of the rest. Of course, women love going to church. It’s a place that helps them look good \[music\] without actually having to be good. But we’re finding out the hard way that if anyone’s sin is allowed to flourish, then people don’t. When women’s sin flourishes, men don’t. They get tired of suffering under it and leave. At this point, men are staying away from women and church \[music\] out of self-preservation. They see the same anti-male biases from the outside world mirrored inside their churches and go, “Yeah, it’s just as dangerous for me in here as it is out there. I got to leave.

43:01 This is not safe here. Even worse, Dr. Warren Ferrell cites this bias, us painting men as the bad ones, as one of the biggest causes behind the failure to launch epidemic among young men. Once they start to believe what we’re telling them, that they are the harmful ones, you know, the walking danger to everyone around them. Well, and yeah, avoiding everyone looks to you like you’re helping. Once you start to see yourself as the unfixable monster everyone says you are, it starts to look like the only way you can win and protect the innocent women from you, the monster, is for you, the monster, to stay away. Even if they don’t see themselves as a monster, they still don’t have any incentives to do anything. We demand all the same sacrifices of men that we always have, but we’ve taken away all the rewards that they used to get for it and instead handed those over to women, probably to suppress the guilt we feel for supposedly oppressing them for millennia. Then we shield women from the

44:04 consequences of their sin and send those over to the men as another sacrifice that we demand of them. Of course, they don’t want to participate in anything. We punish them for it. And by \[music\] the way, we cannot keep saying to these guys, they just need to rely on the joy of the Lord and the strength of the Lord and endure whatever women put them through. Because right now, when guys are leaving, it’s not about their endurance or their faith. It’s about the sins that we allow. See, when the Bible talks about endurance or persevering through suffering, \[music\] it’s usually talking about persecution, attacks, and the sins of people outside the church that we can’t hold accountable. It does not say that we should stay silent and endure the sins of people inside the church. In fact, scripture demands that we hold those sins accountable. It doesn’t matter if it’s men or women doing it. If men are leaving because they get tired of the

45:01 pain caused by sins we should have disciplined women for but refused to, then they are not leaving because of their weak faith. They’re leaving because \[music\] of our failure. And if they fall away as a result, we will not be innocent of their \[music\] souls. You cannot fix what’s broken today without confronting this. You cannot have lasting revival and thriving churches if anyone’s sin is safe \[music\] in those churches. And putting it all on the men won’t solve that sin because men \[music\] can’t repent for women. There is no repentance on someone else’s behalf. We could \[music\] fix so much of what’s broken out there if we just owned up to this and started dealing with women’s sin. I think we both know that’s not going to happen anytime soon. But over the next few videos, we’re going to look at why and see if we can uncover anything that might help us change that.

45:56 So, subscribe if you want to see those. But before we go, I want to just dip my toes into that why a little bit so we have a little little idea. First reason, we actually saw it in this first video here. temptation is for pastors is they’ll pull back on addressing the sins and struggles of women because they’re afraid of getting like feminist crushed. And what I mean by that is like you know why you know you finish preaching and they’re like well you’re just saying that cuz you’re a man. Men are afraid.

46:20 He says he’s not scared but I don’t really buy it because if he wasn’t afraid then he wouldn’t have kept deflecting the attention away from women back over to men and he wouldn’t have been softening those scriptures to make them more palatable. Something again he did not do when he taught those same passages and directed at the guys. And he would not have waited till the very last few minutes of the sermon to start talking about really specific stuff. Man, he said the quiet part out loud.

46:50 Most pastors \[music\] beat the snot out of the guys because it’s easy. They don’t go anywhere near the women because they’re terrified. Second, why a lot of these guys think they’re protecting women. \[music\] They intuitively know a woman’s reputation is incredibly important for her survival. So, as men see it, if they protect the woman’s reputation, they are protecting her by shielding them from criticism. Now, of course, in reality, they’re not actually protecting her. They’re protecting \[music\] her sin. But white nighting is a whole other wild and woolly world that we’ll get into in another video. Now, last off, I want to show you guys one more thing because this is revealing. I have a bias toward thinking that men are more \[music\] evil than women. My bias is informed by the fact that 90% of the murders in America are committed by men.

47:37 98% of sexual assaults are committed by men. 93% of armed burglaries are committed by men. And so it seems reasonable then to look at those facts and to think men in general are worse sinners than women. In fact, I have a built-in aversion towards thinking of women as evil. He just said another quiet part out loud. We don’t call women out for sin because we don’t think they do it. Now, I want to show you one more thing here. I want to show you how he actually convinces himself that women really do sin.

48:07 The Bible says, and and here I will just try to overcome my bias and say these things about women. Women are dead in trespasses and sins. Ephesians 2. Women loved darkness rather than light. John 3. Women were by nature children of wrath. Ephesians 2. Women were not able to understand spiritual things. 1 Corinthians 2. And he goes on and on and it’s the same thing with the men. He brought up specific examples of terrible behaviors. With women, no, he doesn’t do that.

48:32 \[music\] He brings up generic examples from scripture of sin and then says, “Hey, ladies have this, too.” But remember what we said at the beginning. \[music\] We think women are stained by sin, but they don’t do sin. So that leads to this bias he’s talking about. Pastors and Christian leaders don’t think women sin as much or as bad as men do. Now, it doesn’t help that we’ve redefined so many passages of the Bible \[music\] that would call women out for sin. It’s kind of like how leftists will say, “Oh, most political violence is done by conservatives.” Yeah, it’s very easy to say that when you force the police to stop counting \[music\] the political violence the left does. Well, yeah, it’s going to look an awful lot like they don’t do very much when you don’t count it. So, of course, you’re not going to think women sin if you stop counting their ways of sinning as \[music\] sin.

49:24 But I think the other part of it is most guys actually just don’t know what women’s sin looks like. Right? It’s easy to spot it when a man is doing horrible things cuz \[music\] it’s overt and it’s obvious. With women, it’s usually more covert. It’s subtle. It’s indirect. It’s harder to spot. So, guys a lot of times just don’t know what it looks like. And that’s what we’re going to tackle in the next video because I actually realize \[music\] I don’t know what it looks like in practice a lot of the time. I have some general idea, but I was struggling to think of specific examples. And so I actually asked my wife. I was like, “Hey, \[music\] how do women sin?” And she was like, “Well, let me tell you.” She sat down and wrote out a whole list of stuff. So, we’re going to look at that next time. For now, go watch another video or get out of \[music\] here. Peace.