De-constructing -> Re-constructing

What a life. Just about the entirety of this Earthly existence has been trauma coping. From birth till recently… I am now seeing my own biography for what it is.
Trauma Coping… for context. I was birthed in a hospital under fluorescent lights. Born out of a stressed mother. Born into a rather unnatural environment. Born and likely seconds later, umbilical cord cut and foreskin severed. Not too many months later and I’m being brought to the Therapists for ‘anxiety’ and ‘social’ remediation. They want to put me on anti-anxiety medication - pills - at roughly 5 years old.
born - cut - skinned - vaccinated - diagnosed - pilled
That’s a pretty rough get-go to life… what comes next is no better… the public school system of the 21st century - nightmare.
Public School is synonymous to prison to me. Always has been. Large facility, cannot leave during certain hours, rules enforced, limited choice in [shitty] meals, detention (isolation), the fluorescent lights again, 8 hours of little to no natural environment, the brainwashing, the propaganda, the indoctrination, the teachers who employ themselves out of their self-interest as a means to support their way of life with no regard for the children’s hearts and minds.
Trauma Coping.
… → Music, YouTube, Porn, Weed, Video Games, Shitty Work, Escapism.
How does one engage in reality if one does not see their own worth as a human being? Why would anyone want to engage in reality if there is no point or purpose to it? Why would anyone want to be alive in this world if they never felt true love, true expression or true inner peace? Why live at all? Why not die? Why not just escape from anything that has anything to do with true love?
That’s how I felt… never truly loved, never truly worth anything at all. The feeling of non-existence. That’s a powerful one.

Deconstructing reality in order to reconstruct reality.

This shit is the work that needs to be done in order to move on. Deconstructing a false reality so that a new one can emerge. It feels as though I’ve been needing to deconstruct just about everything lately. It feels as though I’ve been living a complete facade for most of this Earthly existence. It’s ought to be tended to… this incarnate reality.

I’m currently dealing in the realm of releasing shame. The feeling of shame is that of disgust and not wanting to share it… but it ought be shared. Shameful of past activities, past-times and ways of living is what I’m working through. I’m releasing the feelings of shame now. I’ve accepted what I am feeling shameful about… and now I’m releasing the feeling of shame itself… two distinct things.

The past is done → The future is emerging → The present always is in flux

Accept it, work through it, feel it, know it, release it, transcend it. Whatever it is.

M.J.B. Saturday April 20th 7:12pm

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Prairie Rose Farm - February 2024