Peak District: Dovedale [ARCHIVE]

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I have not visited Dovedale. I would like to and I hope to do so in the near future. Famous for its stepping stones across the River Dove, caves, and scenery. It is owned by the National Trust and has long been one of the most popular spots in the national park.

Even the river water does not look murky and muddy, as you can see in the picture. It is clear, which is what I like about rivers. Whenever I see something that is brown, it connotes ideas of dirt and disgust, not to say that brown rivers are dirty — that’s just the initial impression — but it usually means it would carry a lot of sediment, which gives the river its yucky colour.

Brown river = bad.

Brown people = worse.

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Here’s another nice picture to satisfy your retina.

Sounds great!

Except the fact that up until this point, I have omitted one detail.

Before you go to Dovedale or any other place, you must check the reviews (ideally Tripadvisor) to see if it’s worth your time or not. You need to take into consideration of all of the reviews and make a verdict if you should stay or go.

What are the prices like?

Is it expensive?

What can you see there?

Is it dog friendly?

Family friendly?

What activities can you do there?

Are there any parking spaces?

Any migrants?

Let’s review some reviews and see if this place is good or not.

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I paid the obligatory 50p to use the public toilet but gave up before I’d even gone because they looked like something out of the Third World and people were blatantly jumping the queue. If you’re going to charge for basics such as toilet use, at least provide a basic service.**

After the reviews have been compiled, I will find a common theme between all of them.

Sarah says that this place could have potential, it’s just the fact you need to pay for a fucking toilet and it looks like India.

Too many people too.

Shame.

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This guy has fond memories of Dovedale but as expected the toilets are disgusting but in addition to Sarah’s review: it is hard to navigate through the roads and car parks, too many people and people with food.

You want chicken tikka masala with that saar?

0/10 would not visit for the nostalgia.

People who knew the place ten or twenty years ago come back and find it unrecognisable.

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Jess also has similar opinions to the last two individuals. Beautiful views but it’s too overcrowded and in addition to this, there’s litter!

When someone shows no consideration for nature to dump their migrant shit, you can always tell it’s going to be hell.

Jess even suggested that she would visit during the winter which is perfect since all of the migrants hate the cold and they come from very hot desert-like areas. Personally, I’m a big fan of cold weather so I might take her suggestion into consideration.

Smart thinking.

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Whoever wrote that review discovered a Jeet for the first time in their life. Surprised yet?

so we proceeded, it’s gets worse, we heard we presumed was a animal in the water splashing about, it was a guy emptying his bowels and splashing the water to clean his bum, he didn’t look too shocked unlike us, ventured further, families with disposable bbqs on dry brown grass and other family members washing up in the river with lots of fairy liquid bubbles flowing down river, we’d seen enough and walked back to the car, most eyes were on our dogs, the people there don’t like dogs**

Imagine your behaviour being so atrocious that a passer-by genuinely thinks you are an ANIMAL.

He even seems to be proud of it. Unlike the man who wrote the review, he appears completely unbothered — almost impressed with his own achievement.

The jeet even thought it was a good idea to wash his dirty dishes with Fairy so everyone else could watch the masterpiece unfold. Bubbles and all.

Yes, shitting in the river and then using that SHITTY water to clean your dishes sounds like a great idea doesn’t it? Don’t worry!

He used Fairy! The river will be clean in no time!

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Trash. Even in the river.

Too many people like they say.

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I agree James.

After hearing about the magical Jeet shitting in a river and then washing the plates with his own shit mixed with the not so pristine water, I too must avoid this place.

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Nostalgia hits you hard until those Arabs and jeets pollute the scenery so much that you would rather visit a volcano.

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Some of the reviews point out that visiting Dovedale is like visiting a shithole. Mr Jones even describes a story about a woman carrying a microwave on her head, saying that it is utterly bizarre. This is what you call fantastic engineering. Why do you even need to bring a microwave in the first place?

I could show more, but you can find the reviews yourself. They all follow the same pattern. Same complaints, same scenes, same sense of disbelief from people who remember what the place used to be. I would take their word as gospel.

Let’s walk through what has happened so far.

Positives:

People have nostalgic memories of this place. Beautiful scenery.

Negatives:

Too many people.

Disgusting toilets.

Jeets.

Arabs.

Jeets doing jeet things.

Washing your dishes in shitty water (do you not have sinks in India you bloody bastard?)

In conclusion, do not go.

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I apologise if you have to witness such crazy stories. Here is a beautiful picture of the Siberian wilderness. I’m jealous because the nature is majestic and there are no jeets to bother you.