In an emergency evening briefing at the ECB, President of the ECB Christine Lagarde stunned reporters by revealing that global inflation was not caused by “pandemic disruptions”, “Russian invasion of Ukraine“ or “greedy corporations,” as previously announced—but by an orbiting alien base manipulating lunar gravity.

“The evidence is clear,” Lagarde said, gripping the podium tightly. “They’ve been messing with tides, real estate prices, and even the price of eggs. You try buying a dozen eggs under fluctuating moon gravity—it’s chaos.”

According to a secret report leaked from ESA’s Special Division of Intergalactic Finance (SDIF), extraterrestrial forces allegedly hacked the moon’s internal navigation software sometime in 2021. “We always suspected the moon wasn’t natural,” said chief space economist Dr. Calvin Peppers. “Turns out it’s basically a giant Wi-Fi router broadcasting economic despair.”

The report further claims that the aliens—described as “roughly humanoid” but “made entirely of spreadsheets”—have been converting moonlight into Bitcoin. Using a combination of “quantum lasers” and “interdimensional memes,” they allegedly pump and dump cryptocurrencies to destabilize terrestrial economies. “You see Ethereum drop at 3 AM? That’s not the market—that’s lunar arbitrage,” claimed ECB analyst Carla Gonzales, visibly trembling.

Russian officials denied any involvement, though an intercepted communication between the Kremlin and a lunar station named Orbita-13 suggests joint experiments in “gravitational inflation management.” Elon Musk later posted, “I TOLD you the moon was fake,” before deleting the tweet after it caused Dogecoin to spike 400%.

Meanwhile, conspiracy influencers began promoting new anti-alien products, including “Anti-Moon Spray,” which, according to its inventor Professor Randy Derpinski, “blocks harmful inflation rays through the power of oregano oil.” The product retails for €99.99 per 20ml bottle only and comes with a free “Space Patriot” T-shirt.

In a bizarre twist, EU leaders announced an ambitious countermeasure: a plan to install a “giant price thermostat” on the moon to bring inflation down “the democratic way.” ESA has already begun recruiting volunteers willing to spend six months in a crater “negotiating with alien accountants.”

Critics argue the ECB using the “alien inflation” theory to divert attention from domestic policies. “It’s easier to blame greedy spacemen than greedy humans,” said British right-wing politician Nigel Farage, who later proposed to nuke the moon “just to be safe.”

Asked if Europeans should worry, Lagarde chuckled. “Nah,” she said. “Once we print enough lunar euros, everything will level out.” The briefing ended when an aide whispered something about the “Mars debt ceiling,” sending Lagarde back inside.

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