Some people have excellent digital privacy, but their real-life relationships are toxic as hell. Some have near-perfect relationships or marriages, but they rely on surveillance-ridden gadgets for convenience, blissfully unaware of the insidious ways they are harming them and their loved ones. It is shocking how many smartphone users don’t know how to power off their device. They don’t even know there is a way! They never restart. We all have a lot to learn, from tech tutorials and each other.

Leaving a big tech platform feels remarkably similar to breaking a trauma bond with a narcissist. It takes you a long time and they’re the hardest ones to leave because they always have so much to offer - status, family, false sense of security. And promises and future faking. These are all powerful tactics in narcissist’s repertoire. But when you finally do leave them, it can be surprisingly painless. You suddenly realize that there is a world outside of that abusive relationship.

§Stage 1 - Love Bombing

Narcissists in particular have an uncanny ability to identify potential targets. Large online platforms harvest your email and then start sending you unsolicited communications. All they need is that you know another person that’s already been recruited.

The thing is, high-preference relationships feel so intoxicating at the beginning. A narcissist’s charm is made to disarm. They make you feel important. You are special. You are seen and you are valued. It’s a good thing. You are now a part of a community. Have you ever had a love bomber say to you: “Fuck baby, you’re worth a king’s ransom!” That’s because you are. And they know it. Your data and your attention is worth millions of dollars.

Less clicking. Everything in one place. Why don’t you save time (and create a security hole) by using our login for all the other websites and online services you visit? The time you seemingly save by using any of their tools will be taken tenfold by sucking the life out of you, by making you stare into the screen with undivided attention, til your eyeballs bleed. And it’s free - or so it seems.

You are voluntarily entering a highly controlled environment. But it is not controlled by you.

Social Status and Perfectionism

The whole model of social media is based on external validation. Trying to meet impossibly high (and often fake) standards can be exhausting. And yes, all of those photos have to be manicured. You have to protect yourself from criticism and are incentivized only to show your very best self, at all times. The constant need to be flawless, in order to avoid a negative reaction from low self-esteem individuals.

We all know it’s neither fulfilling nor real. It’s a dependency.

Moving Goal Posts

You can never satisfy a narcissist. It is impossible. Yet, now and then, you must accept the new Terms & Conditions of your relationship (otherwise…). One sunny afternoon, they quietly land in your inbox, further undermining your sovereignty, asking for more and more. You must comply or leave. The power dynamic is set in stone.

Isolation

Not a part of our exclusive club? Shame. I guess we can’t keep in touch then. Technically, I am still gonna talk to you, but it’s so inconvenient… maybe once a year? Or, better still, let’s recruit you too!

§Stage 2 - Devaluation

Gradual Crapification and Anxiety Build Up

Narcs routinely prioritize their own profit over the victim’s (user’s) experience. They never have the overall health of the relationship in mind. You might experience some minor acts of emotional abuse (trolling). You either grow thick skin or “you are too sensitive”. Many of us end up depressed, cyber-bullied, feeling unworthy, and sometimes suicidal.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

Algorithms rule. Abuser’s manipulation tactics are designed to tweak your reality, to create the most engagement. Engagement with them. But the more you get sucked into arguments, the more narcissist’s heart dances. Algos crave supply, both positive (attention, admiration) and negative (arguing). You might experience some coercion in the form of increased identity checks (e.g. blue checks). A vague sense of unease and anxiety is slowly creeping in. But a little bit of friction is a normal part of any relationship, right?

In fact, feelings of resentment often alternate with feelings of gratitude towards the perpetrator. There is a sense of alliance. I am doing this for you, love.

And at the Core of It All - Surveillance

They love to follow you everywhere like a puppy. Then they capture you. And then they reverse the roles. You become codependent on them. They can (and will) use and sell your data however and to whoever they want. You had agreed to it. They are masters at blurring boundaries regarding AI training, backdoors and the associated legal word salad. Of course, we had to change the Privacy Policy, so we can offer you the latest AI functionality! You sort of surrender your privacy at this stage. “They know everything about me already” - How many times have you heard that one?

On the contrary to unspoken expectations, you don’t have to post about every detail of your life. The same applies to your thoughts. You don’t owe this to anybody, and it also creates a serious security threat.

Inability to Leave

The consequences of leaving are too high. An addictive bond has been formed, and there seems to be no escape. Now, seriously, how many social media users have you heard say: “I hate (fill in the blank)”, while they continue using the app?

But the truth is, your biggest power lies in your ability to leave. It is the one thing you have 100% control over. To quit. Remove yourself. Even if they try to make it impossible. The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore them. By creating a void, they lose their supply. But don’t worry, you will soon be replaced with someone else. Because this is all you are to them - a supply.

But we have kids together, I am too invested, they control my resources etc. (Read: I quit my job in order to become an influencer, this is my livelihood, leaving is not an option.) Did you isolate yourself, and did they increasingly consume more and more of your time, until they became the centre of your universe? Maybe it’s time to revive old connections that you had to give up while under the spell of your toxic partner (remember that old friend who rarely goes online?) Make sure you have a support structure, and a solid exit plan in place before you make your move. Reach out to people who have been on a similar trajectory, and survived.

§Stage 3 - The Discard

Narcissistic Rage

Cancelled. Punished. Shadow banned. Jail. Authenticity is not okay and it will not be tolerated.

The company has to protect its interests. At your expense. They muzzle your voice and suppress your freedom of expression. Self-censorship seeps in. You may feel shame. You may experience isolation from both offline and online communities. Ouch. Micromanaging someone’s communications sounds just insane to me. It’s like a wife telling her husband who to ghost, and to whom he is allowed to reply. It’s just scary.

I have experienced this punishment at a lower scale - I’ve been suspended for not engaging enough and then engaging too much (trying to DM someone), using a VPN, a weird email… By using a little bit of freedom tech, you get yourself into impossible situations.

§Stage 4 - Hoovering

Living in Altered Reality

Toxic behaviour has become normalized in our society, especially online. We’ve been through so much together that we’ve learnt enough to survive in this environment. We stop asking questions. We live in a trauma bond, caught up in the different branches of Flying Monkeys Club, enabling this entire system, perpetuating the cycle of (un)necessary evil. Big tech is everywhere and social media outreach is of tremendous value. And they know it. And we know it. I am not denying economic realities.

But we must act.

One option is to start from scratch. Use a business account only? Spin up an agentic AI and go touch grass? You firmly decide to be more mindful of your privacy and mental sanity this time. This is referred to as limited contact in the context of recovering from a toxic relationship. You establish strict boundaries and it’s up to you to enforce them. The narcissist will never give up on trying to get more out of you, and high chances are they will succeed. Relapse rates are not in your favour.

Alternatively, you may choose to go no contact. You take a radical leap of trust towards freedom. In that case, loss is inevitable. It is a trade-off. Alternatives are scarce or just not there yet, though thanks to Nostr, there is some hope. As a creative, I know these challenges only too well. Can you survive on a V4V (Value4Value) model, what do you think? How many of you have tried?

§The Recovery

Digital hygiene and Relationship hygiene

So these are the lessons I have learnt in the emotional abuse cycle, and how strongly this experience resembles the manipulative clutches of big tech and social media.

Just as developing healthier online habits takes time, making better choices when it comes to people, is a process. You may start to discern the telltale signs of healthy individuals, from the ones who are closed-sourced, two-faced, or outward malicious. I wonder, If I sanitize my social circle as outlined above, will I end up alone? Will I disappear too?? Sigh. Growth is painful. But guess what:

Self-knowledge is a superpower, and my education starts today.

The superpower button must be somewhere, inside my human device. I won’t stop until I find it.

Let’s learn together how to restart.